User Profile

i like being outside more than inside most of the time. i like being in the rain because most people dont and i can just breathe the fresh air and think about things alone. there i things i like about who i am but not how i look. each day i feel like i'm falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole that i can't find a way out of. i hate being at home where my mom and stepdad always make me feel like a failure and like i can't ever do anything right. they make me feel worthless. i hate being at school where i feel like everyone around me belongs and knows what to do while i stand feeling alone and lost. i hate looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. it's like i dont know who i am anymore. i always feel like i am hiding in my skin, scared to be myself-and i barely know who that is anymore. i just want to grab ahold of my life, feel light, feel free, and feel happy again. i have had an Eating Disorder for a couple years now, but i need to get a real hold of things. i have never gone below 105 since the 8th grade. i feel huge. i just want to hide and its hard to hide when there is so much of me to hide. i want my mom to finally understand my pain. she tries to control a lot of things in my life. i want to control this. it is MY body and MY life! i want to control how i look. i want her to feel pain when she sees me starving to death. i want her to cry and beg me to eat. i want her to show me she cares about me. i have wanted to be skinner for as long as i can remember, which makes me sad at times looking at pictures of myself when i was younger remembering that i thought i was fat when i weighed like 60lbs in the 4th grade. i wish so much to go back to then and have a taste for being thin again.

i wish to be thin...i will work to be thin... i will be thin.

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